The dateing game metaphor is useful, because if you compare what has gone on in the relationship so far to a tennis game, you will quickly date if you’ve been either too passive or too aggressive. The tennis match is so central to moving the relationship on to new levels that I’ve developed some guidelines you can use to understand and promote intimacy. Demonstrating that you are interested in what your partner is saying, and want to hear more, is essential. Whether you’re dating online, on the phone, or face to face, you need to keep your conversation going back and forth keeping the tennis match going in a balanced way. Take Turns, Leave room for your partner to open topics, gather thoughts, and express opinions. Don’t jump right in to a silence if it’s not your turn. Concentrate, Listen carefully to what your partner is saying don’t wander off mentally into what you want to say next. Volley Respond, After your partner says something, respond directly to it, letting him or her know that you heard and understood what was said and, if possible, that you have similar thoughts or experience. Don’t Bicker, There is definitely a place for spirited discussion in good conversation, but be careful not to get too oppositional. Your objective is to establish understanding. Return the dateing, At the end of whatever you say, invite a response by adding, Don’t you think? or What do you think? At the end of whatever you say, invite a response by adding, Don’t you think? or What do you think? Or make your response a question. Dateing again, If your partner drops the ball, ask a question about something that was said before, and give your partner plenty of time to express his or her opinion.
